I love my mum

I love my mum

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Mum’s leg

It’s still badly infected and the orthopaedic team have got the plastic surgeons involved as they think mum now needs a skin graft to replace the broken down skin. Dad did tell me tonight that in the worst worst worst scenario mum will loose her leg. Oh my fucking god, seriously?!! The plates and pins they’ve put in aren’t fixing properly to her brittle bones. Dad said he think it’ll be lucky if she walks again. Hoping with every bone in my body that he’s wrong. But then again, I’d rather her loose a leg and not have dementia! But that’s never going to happen!

Cant help feel that she’s never going to get out of that place, it’s just getting worse and worse. At least the nursing care has improved. Trying to stay chipper is so hard. Easier to bury my head in the sand. The nightmare of this reality is tough going, so mentally tired. Not going to be able to see mum this weekend as hubby is away so I have no childcare. Hope she’s ok, dads still going every day so at least I’ll get a daily report. wish I knew when things will start to improve. Clinging onto hope is no fun. NMC

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Before Alzheimer’s

Mums had Alzheimer’s now for about 4 years. Sometimes I struggle remembering what she was like before. Mum cared for nan and grandad and when they both passed away, I honestly think that’s what triggered her dementia. It’s weird to think mum knew anyone and everyone in the village and everyone knew her. It’s weird to think her doing her job at the council and then at the local school, all that trust and responsibility. Such poles apart to now.

It really pisses me off when I hear friends moan about their mums. They don’t know how lucky they are to have help with childcare, have a mum to go shopping with on a Saturday afternoon, someone to turn to to ask questions about their little ones. If I’m totally honest I know I’m jealous. I hate to admit it. Getting married and having a baby without mum by my side like any normal mum has been tough. It’s had me in tears more times than I care to remember. I’m only 28, she’s only 63 – we’re both too young to be going through this. I just wish mum was mum. Wowzers she’d idolise my son if she was “normal”.

As a kid I remember mum being the soft one, and dad being the strict one. Mum always got on well with my friends, always used to ferry us around to parties when we were teenagers, she was a really cuddley mum. There was nothing a mum cuddle couldn’t make better. I can still remember that feeling of knowing everything was going to be ok when she hugged me.

Mum’s laugh lit up any room. She’d say the silliest things, and have us all in hysterics. She loved cooking. I remember baking cakes with her most weekends, something I’ll do with my son when he’s a bit older. She came to every school play, every dance show, anything I was doing she was there front row supporting me. Nothing or no one ever came before me or my brother. I see that now. And as a mum I realise why she did everything she did. I hope I’m a good mum to M like my mum was to me. NMC

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Appalling NHS care

We could tick all of these boxes with mum about her care…. Heartbreaking that its across the NHS, shouldn’t be like this… Ever! NMC

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My rock

My hubby. A normal 29 year old, amazing father to our little boy who clearly idolises him. I feel bad because I’ve not been much fun to be around since mum went into hospital after her fall. But he’s taken charge of our LO, not moaned, letting me rest when I get teary and tired, always on hand for a hug. He never really knows what to say. His favourite thing to say is “take each day as it comes” which is probably right but I don’t always want to hear that. Sometimes it’d be nice for him to say “it’ll all be ok” – thing is he knows and deep down I know he’d be lying.

Fair to say without hubby and our beautiful precious amazing and terribly special 2 year old, this would be even more unbearable. They make me get up in the morning. They make me put a smile on my face when sometimes all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. Sometimes I wonder if I will cry when mum does die, because part of me feels I’ve lost her anywAy. Right now I don’t think I will cry. Whatever though I know hubby will get me through.

I really really really wish mum had had better time with my son. She loved kids, and in her own little way did adore him but I just wish he could’ve experienced going on holidays with nannie and grandad – like I did as a kid. I don’t like the thought he is going to grow up not knowing the real person behind his nannie. She would have spoilt him rotten and I know he would have adored her if things would have been different. NMC

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Life is not abo…

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain

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Trying to stay positive

Went to PALS yesterday and spoke to a really lovely lady about all of our concerns. Feel like we’ve done something good for mum, but the proof will be in the pudding. It’s not like we want her in a gold bed with gold sheets and having her arse wiped with rose petals – but basic decent care would be nice. So currently in limbo, got to wait for the PALS lady to speak to the ward and nurses and consultants and she is going to call me. Not sure when, hope I don’t have to wait long – being patient has never been a strong point of mine.

one good thing, she had her operation yesterday (finally!) so hopefully that was a success, we should find out later when dad goes into visit. NMC

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